Forever in Confusion

Week one

2007-08-29T03:15:07Z

One week since we flea bombed, and no fleas.. yay! My Boyz are feeling better and I'm starting to as well

The door mat is done

2007-08-09T06:50:58Z

I am so done. I have lost trust in almost everyone I know. I am just so tired and so fed up with it all

birthday

2007-02-06T05:48:27Z

Okay, I'm getting older, I can accept that. So now I want to celebrate getting older with those I call family and friends. This means all of you my rag tag bunch! It's simple, show up here: Sato Sushi, 5526 Monterey rd. San Jose, CA 95138, on Feb 16th (it's a Friday) at around 7pm. We shall enjoy sushi and socializing. Then it's off to lovily San Carlos to the Carlos Club (612 El Camino Real San Carlos, CA 94070 ) to sing and dance the evening away. (BTw no cover charge!!!)

Yes there was going to be bowling, but I found this to be MUCH cheaper!

So if all you cats out there wanna come celebrate me getting one year closer to the grave, please shout it out. I need to get a head count so I can get reservations!

Love ya all

my birthday

2007-01-22T21:27:52Z

Okay Kids heres we go.. I am getting older and I would like to celebrate with all my friends. Feb 16th we are going to party by having sushi and then going bowling, which is a tradition on my birthday. I don't have all the details yet, but I would like to get a head count of who would be interested. It's a Friday evening so I figured we could all meet at 7pm in San Jose for the sushi then go from there. Trey is setting up the sushi and I will figure out the bowling. Please email me at g_dzilla8u@hotmail.com if you want to join me in celebrating one step closer to the grave :)

End of one, beginning of another

2007-01-04T05:38:28Z

Wow, well the end of 2006 has ended and I have moved on to 2007. Some big changes are going to happen this year. I am going to make myself into the true person I want to be. I am going to work on the things I know I need to and I will get better.

Happy New Year to all I love!

My Xmas Stocking

2006-12-14T04:47:55Z

Xmas Stocking

leave a gift for spuukee

get your stocking

Posty Post!

2006-11-10T21:31:12Z

Not much going on in my little world right now. I have been getting use to living in San Jose again and I have just recently gotten back to work at Stanford. I like it here. It's quiet and peaceful for the most part. I am left to my own accord most of the time so, I can get alot done in a day.

I've jumped back into the dating scene again, and it has been kinda good. I am learning that I am a big flirt, but still very shy when it really comes down to it. Some think that it has been easy for me to get back into it, but it really hasn't. I mean, yes I can be flirty and play a bit, but when it comes to "alone time" I panic. I become so unsure of myself. Ha, believe it or not, I am quite the "self loathing, self demeaning" type. Oh well, I guess all will fall in place in time.

I am also realizing that the people that I thought I knew well, I really don't. I think I put my trust in them to much, I really need to start "locking" down more and keeping more things to myself. I'm not going to totally shut down, but I think it's time to really watch who my friends really are.....

for my little mind...

2006-11-02T19:41:49Z

Walking through campus in the mornings can be magical. I was walking to my office this morning, my mind in a vague fog of all that needs to get done and thought of my nice warm bed, when I passed by the lovily chapel. Now I am not a "god feaing" girl, in fact I am extremely pagan, but I really enjoy old churches, chapels, ect. Something beautiful and graceful about them. Well this morning someone was play the old pipe organ. It sounded so beautiful and sad. I decided to be a few moments late to work and I just stood there and let the music was over me. I felt so many emotions in those few moments. Sadness was of the strongest. I let the music move me and just for a moment I opened up and I let myself be sad. i felt wondeful. i know that sounds odd, but I am not one to let myself feel sadness. so when I do, I feel some release.

i think from now on I am going to come to work early and listen to the pipe organs every day. i think it will help.

I wasn't really tagged, but I figured it was fun

2006-10-30T18:14:59Z

Look Kathrine...A post!!!

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your LJ along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

1. Dark Days- Fire water
2. Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
3. Hate Me- Blue October
4. Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol
5. Melt With You- Bowling for Soup
6. Living Dead Girl- Rob Zobie
7. Break Me- Jewel

grumble

2006-09-20T01:52:26Z

Fuck you, you fuckity fuck! You have no idea what stress is! You have no idea what it feels like to have no where to turn!

Rant over.

blarg

2006-09-19T20:58:55Z

I would cry if I had tears to shed. My heart just can't take anymore.

Weee

2006-09-18T06:48:35Z

I hate insomnia. I am wide awake and so need to get some sleep before work tomorrow. I have had a few drinks already and I'm still awake! Grr. So instead of passingout I am going to write.

My mind has been in a whirl the last few weeks. I keep thinking about where I am in my life right now. I know I am not happy. I know what would make me happy, but getting there is the issue. I am tired of being the gypsy. I would really like to find some place to call home for longer that a few months. I would like to find some place to just settle into. Ah well...

Time to try and sleep..

All the world is a stage...

2006-09-11T16:59:07Z

and I am the one actor without a voice. I am having this feeling of complete loss. I don't seem to be doing to well here anymore, but feel trapped in my own little drama. To leave, to stay, what do I do... where do I go? It's just all a muddle of confusion and pain and I want to drink it all away, to scream it all out, to hide from all of it.

spuukee @ 2006-09-06T19:51:00

2006-09-07T02:50:33Z

helllooooo black cherry

spuukee @ 2006-09-06T19:25:00

2006-09-07T02:25:47Z

Bye bye red..........

one for the other

2006-09-06T15:19:44Z

So it's been said I need to get on my meds again. Well if I do that, the chance of my having normal health children goes out the window. So, fine, I'll go back on my meds. I am giving up having children to go back on my meds. That should apease the ones who claim to know me so well....

spuukee @ 2006-09-04T23:05:00

2006-09-05T06:05:25Z

insomnia.... just shoot me.

spuukee @ 2006-09-04T18:19:00

2006-09-05T00:53:15Z

Hating living in LA. I should have never moved! What the f*ck was I thinking.......

Sadness

2006-09-04T23:29:39Z

Well, I'm not sure how to deal with this anymore. The hovel I live inis infested with fleas. I have tried on a number of occassions to get it cleaned with no help. I have tried sprays, baths, and you name it. I can't get rid of the fleas. I would keep the house cleaner, but sadly I have to get pissy to just get a dish done. So what do I do? I think I have to get rid of my cats for their health sake.

spuukee @ 2006-08-31T21:48:00

2006-09-01T04:26:20Z

Tired, confused, need...............something

I could just cry if I weren't so mad

2006-08-30T23:11:29Z

Karma just keeps kicking when your down. My family is going through some major drama right and I can't be there for them. I hate this feeling of uselessness. I want to hurt the man who is causing this pain....

tired and empty

2006-08-30T22:21:26Z

Sleep has been eluding me as of late. I think it's a combination of things that have me unable to drift off to happy slumber land. My job, although I truly love it, is very demanding and stressful My home life is very messy. My family is starting to fall apart.

I really don’t feel safe anymore. I don’t know where I am suppose to be and what I am suppose to be doing. It’s only been a year since my life went upside down and I am still in a state of limbo. I really need to find solid ground soon or I am just going to go insane. I am in love and I am in lust, but I need more.

I guess I am just complaining and I shouldn’t let this all get to me, but I am just so tired of all the uncertainty that my life is in right now. I guess I just want to know I have a place to land soon…..

can't sleep, reality will get me

2006-08-30T06:35:31Z

I hate when I can't sleep and I really can't sleep when a video game is being played right by my bed... grrrr.

first

2006-08-30T04:49:23Z

It's my first time, be gentle. I know I will be writing more, but tonight I am tired and kinda cranky.